I used to be pretty obsessed with The Killers about two years ago. Not only was I totally in love with Brandon Flowers (For example, this was a pretty common scene: Picture me standing in the music section of a Target. Across the aisle in the television section, a Killers video begins to play. Me: “OH MY GOD BRANDON FLOWERS!”. I would then run over to the TVs and press my face against the screen going “AUGH MARRY ME”. Yeah, I suck.), but I also liked their polished, new-wavey sound, and their slightly-creepy lyrics. It was all sex and murder and glitter and I totally dug it. In spite of my friends’ exasperation with my Killers obsession, I listened to them pretty much all the time. “Mr. Brightside” was the soundtrack to my life for about three months straight.
When I heard they were releasing a new album, I did a little mini-freakout thing. About a year after hearing the news, us members of The Killers fan mailing list got to hear a little clip of what was to be their new single, “When You Were Young”. Eagerly, I waited for the quicktime file to load, practically salivating with excitement. But when the music began to play, I panicked. Surely this was some mistake! What was this quasi-classic-rock blaring from my speakers? And what had happened to Brandon Flowers slick, lovely voice (which I often proclaimed that I wanted to “totally make out with”)? What is this wavering, strained, high-pitched girly-man doing acting like my one true love?
It was then that I saw the pictures. Apparently, The Killers had pulled a Jack White on me and were going to start dressing like they had recently escaped from a psych ward. Worst of all was THE MUSTACHE. What the hell is with the mustache!?
YOU ARE NOT FREDDY MERCURY
This newfound insanity has completely destroyed my love for The Killers. I was doing my best to avoid watching anything associated with them (to avoid certain heartbreak), but the other night when suffering from one of my trademark bouts of insomnia, I saw their newest video for “Read My Mind”. This video has pretty much sealed the deal for me, that’s right, you heard it here first:
THE KILLERS NOW SUCK.
The video takes place in Tokyo, following this new “JAPAN IS WEIRD!” trend that you see in videos and movies these days. Yeah, yeah, Japan is a strange place. I studied Japanese for seven years, and I learned this firsthand from a Japanese friend. It’s a bizarre place, we get it. Sofia Coppola pounded it into our soft heads with Lost In Translation. I would totally write this video off as just lame, trend-following crap, except that because it’s The Killers, and because The Killers have lost their minds, this one has the added bonus of a few completely insane elements, such as the huge green monster that the drummer seems to be creepily attached to, the fact that Brandon Flowers is dressed like Colonel Sanders, and the part where the (stubbly, manly) guitarist is dressed like a Geisha (complete with wig).
Oh god, I can’t write about this anymore. It’s killing me (no pun intended). Watch the damn video and see for yourself.